A Full Commitment's What I'm Thinking Of
by CuteWhiteBunny
Summary: FIND YOUR DESTINED NEMESIS, the app's title reads, in flashing yellow text. [(wrong) soulmate AU, featuring Peter the Panda; mentions of Heinz's mother; Perryshmirtz (Perry x Heinz) if you squint]


****˃Perry the Platypus: Visit your nemesis.****

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. You've spent many a day here, fighting Evil for the sake of Good, and, more recently, teaching Heinz what it means to be Good. Turns out his idea of Good is just as warped as his idea of Evil, so it's been a long few weeks.

The situation may have changed, but DEI itself is exactly the same. Right down to the name. He says he'll change it one day, but you're not holding your breath.

Today, your focus lies elsewhere. Namely, the phone you're clutching in your paw, brand new and unscratched. Apparently OWCA got their heads out of their asses long enough to find the budget for something _not_ bottom of the line cheap, for once.

"So how is this supposed to _work_ , exactly?" Heinz asks, also staring into his phone. His is older, a _flip_ phone of all things, but you've checked the app's requirements and it _should_ still work.

If you were more paranoid, or less cynical about the budgeting, you'd've thought OWCA had pushed for the widest coverage available-

Scratch that, they've cost you a nice bonus check more times than you can count. Even your fancy new phone's probably come out of the pay you're only half expecting to ever see.

At least the app's free.

FIND YOUR DESTINED NEMESIS, its title screen reads, on the phone he's shoving in your face.

In all honesty, you don't _need_ an app to tell you who the hate of your life is. You've known it was Heinz from the very first fight. Who else? He and you are perfectly matched in every way that matters. Thwarting him, whether it's Evil or misguided Good, is your life's calling.

You push his arm down, then tap a claw on the screen. Right next to the big red PUSH OK TO START button. Observation's never been his strong suit.

"I knew _that_ ," he mutters, almost certainly lying through his teeth. Not that you'd ever call him on it. He gets enough of _that_ from everyone else, he doesn't need it from _you_. He gives you a sidelong glance, the beginnings of a grin playing about his lips. "On three, Perry the Platypus?"

Thumb hovering over the button on your screen, you nod. You're ready.

"One... Two... Three!"

A press of the button and you're holding your breath, shoulder to shoulder with him, watching the animations play out across both screens. Destiny, huh? You've never put much stock in fate, but how else can you explain what you have with Heinz? Before him, you'd never known what it was to truly hate someone, to loathe a person with every fibre of your being. Allowing yourself a small smile of your own, you watch as it slows to a stop, spelling out a name.

P-

What?

You pull your phone close, glaring at it like that could change the name spelled out in bright letters across the screen. The _wrong_ name. How...?

"I don't think it worked," Heinz says in a small voice, wrenching your attention to the way his fingers are shaking around his phone, curling tight in the way you're so achingly familiar with. "It doesn't- I don't- what do I _do_?"

Slipping a paw into his free hand, you squeeze. You don't know either.

He squeezes back, forcing a smile. "So, who did _you_ get?" he asks, keeping his tone light.

Oh right, you have _that_ mess to deal to. With your other paw, the one not wrapped around his finger, you minimise the app and send a text to Peter the Panda. Destined nemesis, your ass.

[Perry] _FITE ME._

[Peter] _is this abt dr d_

[Peter] _i thought we were past this_

[Perry] _I peed on his couch, he's MINE._

"You _what_?" Heinz demands from where he's been reading over your shoulder, pulling his hand from your grasp. "Perry the Platypus, you did _what_ to my couch? That's so un _san_ itary! I mean it was old, and it's probably had worse things spilled on it, you know, since I'm not exactly the most _graceful_ person out there, but it's the principle of the thing! You _peed_ on my _couch_!"

[Peter] _wtf p_

Folding his arms, Heinz glares at you, dramatic as ever. Avoiding whatever painful memory's been dredged up. "I don't know what you're playing at, Perry the Platypus, but I don't like it. Why would you _do_ such a thing? What did my couch ever do to you?"

You roll your eyes at the both of them. The _why_ isn't important, and would probably lead to a few too many awkward questions, of which the answers would get you reprimanded, whether or not you give them yourself. If Heinz went hunting for them on his own... well, OWCA doesn't have the budget to clean up _that_ inevitable mess, and you'd prefer not to sabotage the chance of finally getting that bonus check.

Besides, there are more important questions right now. If _you're_ not Heinz's destined nemesis, then who _is_? And why is he so shaken up about it? Normally you'd have heard _exactly_ what he thinks about the whole situation, so for him to avoid it like this...

Who the _hell_ hurt him this badly? You'll fight them. Doesn't matter who it is, you'll kick their ass. No one hurts _your_ nemesis but _you_.

"It's Mother's name," he says suddenly, not looking at you. "I don't-"

A snarl escapes your throat, unbidden. His own _mother_. As soon as you get your paws on her-

He cringes away from you with a whimper, arms crossed over his belly, reeking of fear. "Perry the Platypus?" he whispers, eyes locked on your fists.

Taking a deep breath, you force yourself to unfurl your paws. You're better than this. He needs you to be better than this. It's up to you to be calm, steady as a rock, logical where he can't. That's why you're here.

You've never seen him this on edge. Even when he'd been hiding Peter from you, he hadn't reacted like _this_ , like if he had a tail it'd be twitching. This isn't the fear of a man with something to hide.

It's the fear of an animal.

While you're an animal yourself, OWCA trains its agents to second-guess their instincts, to _think_ like humans do. To _act_ like humans do, with logic over emotions. A human with fur.

He's the opposite. Raised by ocelots, he's learned to trust his instincts in a way you never can. Viewing the world _through_ them instead of _around_ them. Once you'd realised _that_ , the actions you'd found so baffling before had made perfect sense. Deep down, he's still an ocelot, no matter how human he looks.

Knowing where it comes from doesn't make it any easier to watch him squirm like this. His wide eyes dart around the room, and in his expression you see the faces of the agents who fail their training, the haunted eyes of animals who'd learned to expect pain because they had no hope of escape from it. They'd listened to their instincts too, and it had been their downfall. You can't let it be his as well.

Slowly, telegraphing your every movement, you offer him your paw.

He stares at it, unmoving. Achingly wary. You're about to let it fall when you hear another message on your phone.

[Peter] _o. u did the test_

Wait, what?

[Perry] _Explain._

[Peter] _sry p_

[Peter] _wasnt tryin 2 take ur nem_

Suppressing another snarl, you show Heinz your screen, in case _he_ at least can give you some damn answers. Not that you're expecting much.

The last thing you expect from his reaction is for him to shuffle his feet, more awkward than fearful now. "I didn't know how to tell you this, Perry the Platypus," he begins, looking everywhere but at you. "But... Peter the Panda and I... we've started fighting again."

 _What._

"Not... not _thwarting_ ," he says before you have the chance to assume, hugging himself tighter. "I wouldn't do that to you. I mean, not that you thwart me any more either, unless you count the whole _Good_ thing... does that count? Anyway. We get _coffee_ sometimes, Peter the Panda and I - you know that part right? remember you caught me back in Seattle that one time? - and his taste in movies is _atrocious_. _He_ claims they're 'classics'-" You can hear the air quotes he puts around the word. "-but they're _boring_. Who wants to watch something where the villains don't even _monologue_?"

...What?

His eyes meet yours, flicking away a moment later. "Are you mad at me? You're looking at me like you're mad, I mean I understand if you are, I should have told you earlier, but I thought if I hid it I could, well... Peter the Panda's my friend too and it really is just coffee, it's not like I _trap_ him-"

You hold your paw up and he stops, hunching over more than he usually does, like he's afraid you'll hit him. Or worse, that you'll _leave_.

How do you tell him you won't?

Before you can find an answer, your phone buzzes in your hand. Peter again.

[Peter] _who did you get?_

[Peter] _on the test_

Is he serious?

[Perry] _You._

[Peter] _huh_

[Peter] _and d?_

[Perry] _The one he calls 'mother'_

Even typing the word makes you feel sick. Everything she's done to him, everything _he's_ done _for_ her, and you know he can't acknowledge how much she's at fault. He's _told_ you, in the way he blames his brother, in the way he blames _himself_ , in the way his schemes still revolve around impressing her.

He's not consciously aware of any of it. He's twisted himself into knots to avoid admitting there's nothing he could have done to 'earn' her love, and the worst part is knowing you can't say anything about it.

[Peter] _u did it the same time?_

[Peter] _i thnk u 2 got mixed up_

[Peter] _his is me, urs is the smother_

[Peter] _its not a thwrtng thng_

[Peter] _id nvr get in the way of ur thng w/ d_

[Peter] _he tlks abt u all the time_

[Peter] _u mk him hppy p. nvr frgt_

You sigh quietly. Peter's right. After everything that's happened with the three of you, and the conversation you had with Peter after last time, you know his priority is Heinz's happiness. And, in particular, his happiness _with you_.

Offering your paw to Heinz again, where he sits now with his knees pulled to his chest, you do your best to smile.

He shuffles close and takes it, slumping forwards onto your shoulder with a soft exhale, a familiar weight from all the times you've comforted him. "Is it true?" he mumbles into your fur while you stroke his hair, your phone abandoned on the floor. "Am I destined to fight Mother?"

No. You shake your head emphatically. He's not. She was _your_ destined nemesis all along, not _his_. So, once you know he'll be okay, you think you'll pay her a little _visit_.

"Does this mean you...?" he adds, to which you can only nod. You can't lie to him, not here and now. Not about this. "You _are_." He swallows, clutching you closer. "Please don't hurt her, Perry the Platypus, she... she tries. I know she does."

She doesn't. You barely know the woman and you can tell that. Anyone who could hurt their own son like that... But, for Heinz's sake, you agree. You will not _hurt_ his so-called 'mother'.

Peeing on her furniture, though, that's another matter entirely.

* * *

 **AN: Perry the Platypus once peed on a couch and I will never let anyone forget that.**

 **Crossposted from ao3. Originally posted as part of Perryshmirtz Week, for day 5 (crack/awkward).**


End file.
